Tip-Toeing Through Therapy

Watch The Little Birdie

Life has been craaaazy! I have been as lazy. The Lithium has set in and I am pretty much a turnip. How I would love to have a manic adventure. But that would be bad, so I am trying to FIGURE out how to BE on Lithium. A lot of crap going on in my life is slowing me down, but I will get through it.

I found out how a few family members actually feel about mental illness. How the chemical imbalance is a bunch of crap. And all I have to do is pull myself up and find happiness. The thing is I am not unhappy. I am just kind of indifferent, and don't talk about things. Some I guess don't like this. And for the first time I let it be known they weren't right. And it didn't go well. So kiss my little birdie.

And it was brought to my attention I could work. That being on disability isn't acceptable. Wow! Do tell me how you really feel. So I guess I have been feeling like a loser since I don't own my own home anymore, have a to die for husband,  7 kids, a luxury car and my name in the society section of the local newspaper. I have been successful, had good jobs, lived in nice places, blah blah blah. Now, well I am living in a shit town, have a nice apartment, a car, two cats, and a bunch of stuff that I live comfortably enough.

Excuse me if that isn't what YOU expected from me. Excuse me I don't act the way YOU want me too. Excuse me YOU are embarrassed by the word mental illness. And excuse me if I don't pick myself up and pretend to be something I am not. And there goes that birdie again.  And now I feel better. Thank you very much!

Running Through The Neighborhood Naked

I was reading an article somewhere about what causes bipolar. It went on and on about chemical imbalance of the brain. My automatic thought was how easy is that? Oh you have a chemical imbalance so you can stop worrying now. Thank you I am overjoyed with goosebumps all over. I don't know,  some people are thrilled to finally have a diagnosis. I on the other hand feel like my gene pool sucks.

I am not consoled to know a cause or have a name for IT. I wish I could stand up and say "YES I am on disability for bipolar disorder".  But in my shame I make something else up. Many of the people in my life have no clue that is why I am on disability. I know exactly how they would react.  And I don't relish be shamed face to face.

Do I feel guilty? Oh yes I do. I feel like I am letting myself down. Instead of standing up and saying yes I have a mental illness and no I am not a monster,  I hide behind some made up physical injury. In my world mental illness is something  not collectively tolerated. Of course my most close-at-hand family is understanding. But friends and people I meet here are not remotely aware. I must be one of those demons  locked in a basement waiting to kill little children. Or terrorizing the neighborhood naked. I only do that on Halloween.

I have had the "Just because your mentally ill doesn't mean you can't work".  Right,  tell that to the last 467   employers I had.  They were overjoyed with my talents until I kept calling in sick, or arguing with authority figures that I THOUGHT I was the boss. Just because it is a chemical imbalance doesn't mean every time we end a relationship or have fights with people we can blame it on our wiring. The whole it's not my fault doesn't gain any merritt in my neighborhood either.

I simply wish I could say "Yes I am bipolar, and it's not my fault the neurotransmitters in my brain backfired".

It's My Turn You Dirty Rat

                                                     

Now If she could get some writing done for me I would be in business.

The Boss. My happiness. Ethel 15 years.


                  

In The Face Of Togetherness

I have been in the oddest of moods lately. I have been thinking a lot about the past, and wondering if it really serves a purpose. People will say stop living in the past. Okay yeah I'll forget everything that happened way back when. So then I ask what's the point? If you rub out the past then you really have no future. Wow waxing philosophical. Color be a bright bulb.

Is there such a thing as togetherness? Does having followers and Internet buddies really count? If your in trouble and need to talk there is always someone online to talk to. So yeah that counts, a lot! Is real life as dependable? I have to say not so much. Togetherness is a funny thing.

Thinking. To many what ifs. To late to change all the errors made yesterday. Do we really recover from the bad things  that happen to us? I think not. It leaves a scar that in the future reminds us sorrow still lives somewhere. Smiling and happiness does not mean forgotten. Does it?

People don't really know who you are. Or perhaps they do. But they do not know me. To many layers to peal to see that face. More Thinking. Blah Blah Blah. Fear perhaps rules what I am thinking. Or NOT!  Time is a strange thing. There is never enough or way to much.  All I know today is all I have. That tomorrow is never a sure thing.

So be with me in harmony, sorrow or hope. Laugh together with ones you can. Thinking. This whole lithium experience is enchanting. Now if I could actually motivate myself to do something besides think, I'd be happy as a clam. Are clams happy?